The Truth About Toddler Behavior & The Gentle Approach to Big Feelings

Parenting is a bit like being handed the world’s most important job with absolutely no training manual, just a tiny human who speaks in mysterious codes of giggles, tears, and the occasional dramatic flop to the floor (usually in public in the toy aisle at Target). We find ourselves walking that delicate tightrope between honoring our children’s natural pace and accidentally underestimating what their brilliant little minds can actually handle, all while trying to figure out if we’re doing it “right” compared to the highlight reel we see on social media. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably caught yourself wondering: “Is my two-year-old really too young to understand that we don’t use friends as punching bags?” or “Will they just magically transform from tiny tornado to civilized human being overnight?” Spoiler alert: probably not overnight, but we can dream.

Recently, I had the joy of working with a wonderful mother who was navigating these exact questions with her little one. What we discovered together was like finally finding the right filter for your photos, suddenly everything became clearer. The challenges weren’t stemming from any developmental delays as mom had thought. This delightful child was expressing themselves through the classic toddler repertoire of tantrums, hitting, and occasional biting. These behaviors that had been tolerated but never resolved.

When I began introducing some gentle boundaries, mom shared her sincere belief that her two-year-old was simply too young to grasp concepts like “gentle touches” or “sharing our toys.” Here’s where I’d like to offer a different perspective. Our kids’ little hearts and minds are surprisingly ready to begin learning life’s most essential lessons, such as kindness, sharing, and treating others with respect, even at the tender age of one or two. Think of it this way: your child is like a brilliant little scientist, constantly running experiments with cause and effect, eagerly absorbing every piece of information about how the world works. You wouldn’t wait until they’re teenagers to teach them that the stove is hot or that jumping off the couch might result in tears. When your little one resorts to hitting, it’s rarely because they’ve suddenly channeled their inner villain plotting chaos from their high chair. More often, they’re simply using the communication tools available in their enthusiastic but limited toolkit. They’re saying, “Hey! Pay attention to me!” or “I have BIG feelings and nowhere to put them!” or sometimes just “This seemed like the most efficient solution at the time!”

More often, they’re simply using the communication tools available in their enthusiastic but limited toolkit.

Whatever the reason behind the behavior, it’s like getting a notification on your phone, it needs addressing, not ignoring until it becomes a full-blown emergency alert, but handled with the right blend of firmness and understanding. In these moments, a little immediate response is not only appropriate, it’s essential!

Picture yourself as a calm anchor in choppy waters: maintain steady, loving eye contact, use a voice that means business (think “confident parent energy,” not “hangry before coffee”), and say something clear like “We use gentle hands” or “Hands are for helping, not hurting.” Gently but very confidently guide those little hands to stillness. Once the emotional storm has passed and everyone’s breathing normally again, put on your detective hat. What was happening just before the hitting began? Were they hungry, tired, overstimulated by too much screen time, or desperately trying to communicate something important? Understanding these patterns is like learning to read your child’s unique emotional algorithm, it helps you spot the warning signs before the meltdown hits.

Once the emotional storm has passed and everyone’s breathing normally again, put on your detective hat.

Most importantly, when your child is calm and receptive (think of it as when their little brain has switched from “survival mode” to “learning mode”), show them the beautiful alternatives. Demonstrate how to ask for help, how to express frustration with words or appropriate actions, and how to get attention in ways that don’t involve escalating and creating chaos. Yes, toddlers can be like tiny hurricanes of emotion and energy, there’s a reason we call them the “terrible twos” and not the “terrific twos” (though honestly, they’re often both simultaneously, and that’s perfectly normal despite what some may suggest). But here’s the beautiful truth: these behaviors aren’t their permanent address; they’re just a temporary rest stop on their journey. During those precious early years when language is still developing like a masterpiece in progress, children often feel the frustration of having enormous thoughts and feelings trapped in tiny vocabularies. They’re like poets trying to write novels with only half the words they need.

Trust your instincts, dear parent. When it comes to teaching respect, kindness, and appropriate behavior, your child’s heart is always ready to learn. They’re like little sponges, absorbing lessons about how to move through the world with grace, consideration, and authentic connection. Remember, you’re not just raising a child, you’re nurturing a future adult who will someday make the world a little brighter. And that beautiful, important work begins now, one patient lesson at a time. 

-Cinda Chatfield

The Behavior Guru