Your New Year’s Resolution: Protect Your Child’s Inner Voice

Small language tweaks can make a big difference when speaking with our children

January is here, which means we’re all pretending we’re going to drink more water, finally use that gym membership, and definitely be more patient with our kids this year. Spoiler: Most of us will snap by lunchtime on January 2nd. It’s fine. We’re all in this together.

But what if I told you there’s one resolution that actually matters more than any of those well-intentioned promises we make ourselves? What if this year, you focused on the inner voice you’re giving your child? Not the voice they hear when you’re reminding them for the millionth time to put their shoes on. I’m talking about the voice that plays in their head when you’re not around. The one that whispers to them when they make a mistake, face a challenge, or doubt themselves. That voice? You’re helping to write it right now. Every single day.

Where Does That Little Voice Come From?

Quick exercise, think about your own inner voice for a moment. You know the one, it pipes up when you mess up, when you’re trying something new, when you’re feeling unsure. Is it kind? Does it say, “You’ve got this. It’s okay to make mistakes”? Or is it harsh? Does it say, “You always mess up. Why can’t you get anything right?”

Now here’s the part that might sting a little: That voice probably sounds a lot like the way important adults spoke to you when you were small. Maybe it’s your mom’s voice. Or your dad’s. Or that one teacher who really had it out for you in third grade.

Our children’s inner voice is being formed right now, in real-time, by the way we speak to them, especially when they’re struggling.

Their Brains Don’t Work Like Ours Yet (Which Makes This Tricky)

Here’s what makes this so critical. Adult brains can separate criticism of behavior from criticism of self-worth. When your boss is frustrated with your report, you can think, “Okay, the report needs work, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a person.” Children can’t do that yet. Their brains aren’t developed enough to make that distinction. So when we’re at our wit’s end and we say things like…

- “Why are you acting like this?”

- “What’s wrong with you?”

- “You’re driving me crazy!”

- “Why can’t you just behave?”

We think we’re expressing frustration with their behavior. But their little hearts don’t translate that as “Mom’s frustrated with my behavior.” They hear, “I’m not enough. I’m bad. I’m a problem. I’m disappointing the people I love.”

And here’s the part that really gets me: They don’t stop loving us when we’re harsh, they stop trusting themselves.

Every Word Becomes Part of Their Story

I’ve worked with families for over 25 years, and I can tell you this with certainty. The way we speak to our children during hard moments creates the narrative they’ll tell themselves for decades.

The three-year-old who hears “You’re so difficult” becomes the teenager who thinks “Nobody wants to deal with me.”

The five-year-old who hears “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” becomes the adult who constantly compares themselves to others and always comes up short.

The seven-year-old who hears “Stop crying, you’re fine” becomes the adult who doesn’t trust their own emotions.

But here’s the beautiful flip side. The child who hears “You’re having a hard time, and I’m here” becomes the adult who knows they deserve support.

The child who hears “Mistakes are how we learn” becomes the adult who isn’t afraid to try new things.

The child who hears “I see you, I love you, even when things are messy” becomes the adult who knows their worth isn’t tied to their performance.

The inner voice we give them now is the companion they’ll carry into adulthood

What Does This Actually Look Like in Real Life? Let’s get practical. Because I know you’re not perfect, none of us are. I know there are moments when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and hanging on by a thread. When your child is struggling, whether it’s a tantrum, defiance, a meltdown, or the fourth spilled cup of juice this morning, the way you talk to them about it becomes their inner voice. Here’s a translation guide👍

Instead of: “Why are you acting like this? What’s wrong with you?”

Try: “You’re having a hard time right now. I’m here. We’ll figure this out together.”

Instead of: “I’ve told you a thousand times! Why don’t you ever listen?”

Try: “This is tricky for you. Let’s try again. I know you can do this.”

Instead of: “Stop crying! You’re being ridiculous.”

Try: “You have big feelings right now. Those feelings are okay. Let’s take some deep breaths together.”

Instead of: “You always make such a mess! Can’t you do anything right?”

Try: “Oops, this spilled. Accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together.”

See the difference? Same situation, same need for correction or guidance but the message about who they are is completely different.

That voice starts now. In the everyday moments. In the hard moments. In the moments when you’re frustrated and they’re struggling and nothing feels easy.

You’re not just correcting behavior, you’re shaping a lifetime of self-talk. So this year, be intentional about the inner voice you’re giving your child. Because that’s a gift that will last forever🎁 .

Need support changing the way you talk to your child during hard moments? That’s exactly what I help overwhelmed parents do, one real-time situation at a time.

-Cinda Chatfield

The Behavior Guru